The clean lines, the geometric decorative elements, the seamless blending of indoor and outdoor space… I sure do love mid-century modern architecture.
Do you know what I love more? My children. And that is why I will never live in my MCM dream home. Because mid-century modern architecture is designed to KILL YOUR CHILDREN. (Also, moderately clumsy or drunk adults).
We can be reasonably certain that none of these children reached adulthood.
As a public service, Projectophile is alerting its readers to the dangers posed by key elements of mid-century modern residential design.
1. OPEN LEDGES:
I love open, flowing space as much as the next modern girl. But I know it would only be a matter of minutes before my kid flings himself off one of these deadly ledges…
Red arrows show the direction of travel of children’s bodies
What four-year-old can resist that hidden nook?
That’s going to require at least ten stitches.
Where are all the children? Probably under that ledge, unconscious.
Someone needs to call protective services on this place, because this stylish modern mother is too absorbed in her reading to notice that all her children have fallen into the living room garden:
2. FIRE, WATER, AND OTHER DEATH TRAPS INSPIRED BY NATURE:
First of all, make sure your kid wears her helmet when she inevitably climbs up, and then falls of of, this rock formation in your dream living room.
Be sure to check those crevices for rabid bats.
As soon as you turn around to fetch the marshmallows, Junior is going to stumble right into that open fireplace (and stumble out with some third-degree burns). And watch out for that mysterious little nook on the right!
The use of indoor reflecting pools creates a calm and deadly space in your modern dream home:
Children in mid-century modern homes are advised to wear flotation devices at all times. This glamorous couple has no idea what danger lurks in that strangely-placed reflective pool.
“Darling, why is it suddenly so quiet in there?”
And for goodness sake, don’t send your kids trick-or-treating near this Mid-Century Modern fortress:
3. FLOATING STAIRS:
Nothing is more un-modern than an unsightly railing on your stairs. To add extra danger to your mid-century staircase, twist the stairs into a dramatic 180-degree turn, or simply make the angle of the stairs extra steep.
(Hey, aren’t these just a bunch of IKEA Lack shelves nailed to a wall?)
These extra-dangerous stairs lead right to the ceiling, guaranteeing a concussion for your curious child.
These soaring, multi-story bannisters add a touch of safety, but you know my kid would totally get her head stuck in between them. Keep a crowbar handy to pry her free…
The mid-century dream house below comes with its own on-site medical team, in the very likely event that your children will either drown, fall, slip on those mossy stairs, or impale themselves on a rock.
Or maybe that’s dried blood I see on those stairs?
If you care about your children’s safety, perhaps you’ll want to settle down in a late Georgian colonial revival.