15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children

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The clean lines, the geometric decorative elements, the seamless blending of indoor and outdoor space… I sure do love mid-century modern architecture.

Do you know what I love more? My children. And that is why I will never live in my MCM dream home. Because mid-century modern architecture is designed to KILL YOUR CHILDREN. (Also, moderately clumsy or drunk adults).

im_certain_none_of_these_children_reached_adulthood

We can be reasonably certain that none of these children reached adulthood.

As a public service, Projectophile is alerting its readers to the dangers posed by key elements of mid-century modern residential design.

1.  OPEN LEDGES:

I love open, flowing space as much as the next modern girl. But I know it would only be a matter of minutes before my kid flings himself off one of these deadly ledges…

ledge5redarrow

Red arrows show the direction of travel of children’s bodies

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What four-year-old can resist that hidden nook?

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That’s going to require at least ten stitches.

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Where are all the children? Probably under that ledge, unconscious.

Someone needs to call protective services on this place, because this stylish modern mother is too absorbed in her reading to notice that all her children have fallen into the living room garden:

ledgeredarrow

2. FIRE, WATER, AND OTHER DEATH TRAPS INSPIRED BY NATURE:

First of all, make sure your kid wears her helmet when she inevitably climbs up, and then falls of of, this rock formation in your dream living room.

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Be sure to check those crevices for rabid bats.

 As soon as you turn around to fetch the marshmallows, Junior is going to stumble right into that open fireplace (and stumble out with some third-degree burns).  And watch out for that mysterious little nook on the right!

fireplacew-arrow2The use of indoor reflecting pools creates a calm and deadly space in your modern dream home:

blackandwhitepoolofdeathChildren in mid-century modern homes are advised to wear flotation devices at all times. This glamorous couple has no idea what danger lurks in that strangely-placed reflective pool.

indoor reflecting pool white circle1

“Darling, why is it suddenly so quiet in there?”

And for goodness sake, don’t send your kids trick-or-treating near this Mid-Century Modern fortress:

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3. FLOATING STAIRS:

Nothing is more un-modern than an unsightly railing on your stairs. To add extra danger to your mid-century staircase, twist the stairs into a dramatic 180-degree turn, or simply make the angle of the stairs extra steep.

ultimatedeathstairs

deathstairs3(Hey, aren’t these just a bunch of IKEA Lack shelves nailed to a wall?)

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These extra-dangerous stairs lead right to the ceiling, guaranteeing a concussion for your curious child.

These soaring, multi-story bannisters add a touch of safety, but you know my kid would totally get her head stuck in between them. Keep a crowbar handy to pry her free…

deathstairs6The mid-century dream house below comes with its own on-site medical team, in the very likely event that your children will either drown, fall, slip on those mossy stairs, or impale themselves on a rock.

deathhouse

Or maybe that’s dried blood I see on those stairs?

If you care about your children’s safety, perhaps you’ll want to settle down in a late Georgian colonial revival.

661 thoughts on “15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children”

    • Thanks, Matt. Funny, I had the exact same thought about movie villains when researching this piece — why do they all live in these amazing modernist houses? Though a true villain wouldn’t live in a house; he’d be found in a lair or a perhaps the inside of a modernist volcano. The other thing I noticed was that none of these photos from the 50s and 60s ever showed families–much less children– living inside of them. But these days, if you open a copy of Dwell magazine, they seem to go out of their way to show kids playing, parents making dinner, etc. Maybe to offset that villainous vibe that modern architecture suggests.

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  5. THIS is awesome! Thank you so much for the belly-laughs! I do live in a mid-century modern home, but there are no exciting ledges, rock formations, pools, cliffs, or rabid animals inside. Alas, nothing with which to kill or maim the children. It is a boring mid-century modern home, but I squint and pretend it came right out of the pages of “McCall’s Book of Modern Houses.”

    My son did burn his finger on the fireplace doors, once.

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  7. My sister and I grew up in one of those: indoor garden, ledges, nooks and all. Best house I ever lived in, especially when the typhoons blew through during monsoon season.

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  9. When applied to scientific reason, it is called “Natural Selection”. The bright kids will be just fine. The others…well lets just say evolution doesn’t play favorites… Unless you don’t follow scientific reasoning. 🙂

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  16. Bless your heart, it must be a hardship having:

    A – Exceptionally retarded children
    B – Normal children
    C – The usual combination of the two

    And to think, childhood malidies in third world countries claim more lives to this day than MCM ever did.
    The second thought that popped into my head was a Mike Myers/Nicole Kidman skit set in one of these homes.

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  17. Funny! When I was looking at stone for the outside of our new house, I was thinking “climbing wall”! Guess the feds haven’t noticed that yet and limited rock to 24″. Only a matter of time though.

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  21. Used to babysit kids in a home with a modern loft with no railing on the edge. Their favorite game was to pretend that the little one had fallen over the edge. I would come into the room and find him lying below it moaning in pain while the older one urgently screamed for help. Fun.

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  23. I’m actually somewhat offended by this article. I don’t find it funny at all, because it’s just another example of how we’ve dumbed down society, and as well, this is also a perfect example of how this “nanny state” we’ve come to live under came about… DO GOODERS!

    “I want to do good, so we must protect the children.”

    How about this for a change… be a good parent… teach your child consequences.

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    • “How about this for a change… be a good parent… teach your child consequences.”

      lol…I guessing your kids were born ten years old, because it sure doesn’t sound like you’ve ever met a toddler.

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      • To suggest that all places in a home be toddler-proof is absurd. Without proper attention, the typical kitchen, staircase and living room in any home can be dangerous, even fatal, to a small child.

        It’s refreshing to see designs that eschew the current trend to risk manage every aspect of our lives.

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      • “To suggest that all places in a home be toddler-proof is absurd.”

        Who is suggesting that?

        “risk manage every aspect of our lives.”

        I’m suggesting that not buying a house with a pond in the living room or an easily accessible >4mtr drop when you have toddlers, is probably not pushing the idea of risk management into the realms of do gooders and nanny states.

        Kevin is quite right in that more children need to be taught about consequences, but there are better ways of doing that than letting them break their neck or drown in the house.

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    • Uhhhh. Have you ever known a kid who was learning how to walk? Cuz I have! 🙂 And I’ve also known an adult who had horrific migraines! And fell down *everything! And was worse than a kid! and yeah I think these houses would probably kill me, too.

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  24. This post is less a commentary on mid century modern architecture and more about contemporary over-protective paranoia and the unwillingness of parents today to teach boundaries to their children.

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  26. Isn’t that last house the one they used as “Willard Whyte’s” house in the James Bond movie, Diamonds Are Forever? Sean Connery had a fight scene with two amazonian female bodyguards in the pool/living room.

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    • Looks like it to me. Bond almost drowned there because the architect carelessly placed a swimming pool beneath a poorly secured opening in the room where the fight scene took place.

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  27. There was a girl in my high school with a big scar on her leg. She got it trying to walk through a plate glass window in a Frank Lloyd Wright house when she was 7.

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  29. I lived in a FLW-designed home for a while as I raised my daughter. It was full of these dangers and yet she survived and flourished unscathed. Good genetics? Yes. Allowed to investigate and ask questions? Yes. Surrounded by bubble plastic, a sense of paranoia and crying over spilled milk? Definitely not! Today she is a self sufficient young lady that looks at things realistically and is always ready to scrape an elbow to enjoy herself. These homes are friggin beautiful by the way. I hate the 4 white gypsum walls / square room / boring homes that most consider palaces.

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  30. Darwin works thus:
    Smart parents: don’t subject their children to constant danger: Kids survive, passing on their parents intelligence.
    Uncaring or dumb parents: subject their children to constant danger: Darwin does his thing adjusting for age, agility and intelligence.

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  33. I spent my first 6 yrs in a Mies van der Rohe townhouse in Detroit, Lafayette Park. It has the open, floating stairs gong up. One day when I was around 1-2, I fell through the stairs to the floor. Being the last of three, my mother did not panic but likely just gave me a pat on the bottom and sent my off on my adventures.

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  35. Here’s a platform elevator, three stories, no railings, hardly any gap between the elevator and the approaching floor or ceiling. How many severed body parts lying in the basement?

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    • We did that, too! Although me and friend got stuck in an unfinished basement for the better part of a day. We jumped in without realizing they hadn’t built the stairs out yet.

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  43. Loved the article and all the funny comments. In re movie villians and MCM architecture, check out the Vandamm house in Alfred Hitchcock’s North By Northwest. Great movie and great LOOKING “house”…really just an elaborate set built specifically for the movie.

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  49. Best part of my childhood was jumping off that roof ledge into the welcoming piles of snow below! No broken bones, not scrapes. Why? Because we weren’t complete morons and knew exactly how deep that snow had to be to safely land. Yes even kids can think. Funny I don’t recall being allowed on the roof until I was old enough know better.

    I love these houses and yes would raise my kids in them. Awesome blog post though. Made me laugh out loud.

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  50. My goodness. You must have been born after 1980. Having children was only for the non hip people. These designs were only dangerous during parties.

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