The clean lines, the geometric decorative elements, the seamless blending of indoor and outdoor space… I sure do love mid-century modern architecture.
Do you know what I love more? My children. And that is why I will never live in my MCM dream home. Because mid-century modern architecture is designed to KILL YOUR CHILDREN. (Also, moderately clumsy or drunk adults).
We can be reasonably certain that none of these children reached adulthood.
As a public service, Projectophile is alerting its readers to the dangers posed by key elements of mid-century modern residential design.
1. OPEN LEDGES:
I love open, flowing space as much as the next modern girl. But I know it would only be a matter of minutes before my kid flings himself off one of these deadly ledges…
Red arrows show the direction of travel of children’s bodies
What four-year-old can resist that hidden nook?
That’s going to require at least ten stitches.
Where are all the children? Probably under that ledge, unconscious.
Someone needs to call protective services on this place, because this stylish modern mother is too absorbed in her reading to notice that all her children have fallen into the living room garden:
2. FIRE, WATER, AND OTHER DEATH TRAPS INSPIRED BY NATURE:
First of all, make sure your kid wears her helmet when she inevitably climbs up, and then falls of of, this rock formation in your dream living room.
Be sure to check those crevices for rabid bats.
As soon as you turn around to fetch the marshmallows, Junior is going to stumble right into that open fireplace (and stumble out with some third-degree burns). And watch out for that mysterious little nook on the right!
The use of indoor reflecting pools creates a calm and deadly space in your modern dream home:
Children in mid-century modern homes are advised to wear flotation devices at all times. This glamorous couple has no idea what danger lurks in that strangely-placed reflective pool.
“Darling, why is it suddenly so quiet in there?”
And for goodness sake, don’t send your kids trick-or-treating near this Mid-Century Modern fortress:
3. FLOATING STAIRS:
Nothing is more un-modern than an unsightly railing on your stairs. To add extra danger to your mid-century staircase, twist the stairs into a dramatic 180-degree turn, or simply make the angle of the stairs extra steep.
(Hey, aren’t these just a bunch of IKEA Lack shelves nailed to a wall?)
These extra-dangerous stairs lead right to the ceiling, guaranteeing a concussion for your curious child.
These soaring, multi-story bannisters add a touch of safety, but you know my kid would totally get her head stuck in between them. Keep a crowbar handy to pry her free…
The mid-century dream house below comes with its own on-site medical team, in the very likely event that your children will either drown, fall, slip on those mossy stairs, or impale themselves on a rock.
Or maybe that’s dried blood I see on those stairs?
If you care about your children’s safety, perhaps you’ll want to settle down in a late Georgian colonial revival.
projectophile 
The mysterious nook near the fireplace is probably LOG STORAGE.
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dangerous heavy yet still movable splinter delivery and finger/toe crushing device and poisonous biting spider storage, you say?
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The only things more fun than this post are the people that figure they could either: a) parent well enough to keep toddlers from toddling right off these balconies, b) don’t get that it was humor in the first place. Dangerously excellent post.
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!!!!
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Believe me, your kid deserves to plummet to it’s death if you are letting it wander around on balconies without being there.
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LOL!
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Dangerously excellent comment.
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Nice to know that in the real world builders kick in a little common sense that the designers leave out.
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I learned this morning of
“Poe’s Law”
Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor…
Sh*t still happens! ;-/
So whether or not you wrap your children in bubble wrap…some fundamental parenting skills include preventing and avoiding blatantly hazardous situations. IF one cannot tell the difference between an “intelligent element of design” and a “stupid element of design”…maybe your children should be the first to test drive. No helmet required.
Some of us actually learned by “Murphy’s Law” growing up… It is very instructive. “Tongue firmly planted in cheek”…actually means “you will bite it off IF you fall”… .
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“WHEN you fall…”
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I thought that was the main inspiration for MCM homes in the first place… rid us of those pesky kids. What doesn’t kill them will only make them stronger.
I had a friend who’s dad was an architect and they had not one but two indoor water features. A reflecting pool when you entered through the front door, then a pool which looked out over the river below. Forty years later I still think that’s THE coolest house.
Full disclaimer – we live in a safe (?) four bedroom cape cod (boring cape cod) and our four kids still managed to mangle themselves and end up in the emergency room for stitches and what not
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🙂
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I think the reason that there are so many not seeing the humor here is that it could have been ripped directly from any number of “child safety” sources, and also that we all know people who think like this – the “there is no acceptable risk when it comes to my CHILD” crowd. Better get that bike helmet on, Junior.
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This is a riot. I love the stairway that goes right up to the ceiling. How useful. 😀
A lot of these deathtraps could be remedied with some strategically placed tempered glass walls, with only a minor blot on the architectural vision. Well, other than the thousands of kid-hand-shaped blots on the glass. 😀
I live in an architectural nightmare of stairs and slopes myself, and my kid’s managed to survive to teenagerhood. We moved here when she was 5, though. She was past the age of toddling off into accidental dangers.
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Most of these death traps could be fixed by a plexi-glass panel for use as a railing panel … still have beauty, but added safety 😉
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This is great!! I’m gonna pass this on to my friends who have children! 🙂
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Reblogged this at Childhood Antics. I appreciate the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing whether this post is intended as humor or intended to be taken seriously. Since you can’t tell she got it exactly right.
As a parent I am vacillating between the many poles of opinion caused by this piece. The place I work has a definite emphasis on safety (he says euphemistically) so I am in horror at the safety issues in these homes, but I think the designs are really interesting and would love to live there, but I want my child to have a high probability of making it to adulthood, but he would also love exploring these cool houses…
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“I appreciate the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing whether this post is intended as humor or intended to be taken seriously.” <– This, exactly. MCM homes are interesting as art experiments, but man, so many fun places to fall off of or into. Great post, and I love the tone.
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It is not the kids who in danger, it is the old Architects who still live in these houses and have poor motor skills. The answer to the social security problem of America more stairs with out hand rails. Oh wait that is not PC.
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One word: Darwin.
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SO funny! I love those houses but they are total death traps. Although I am sure many children have survived them.
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You forgot of course the Philco Predicta television set, which was basically just a cathode ray tube on a box. How many playtime afternoons ended up with a massive electronics explosion mid-living room?
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Rich, I loved the design of those sets. Could never afford one, but really
appreciated the functional design. Austin Cole
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I feel that this post dealt adequately with the risks inherent in mid-century-modern design for the children – but what about grandma and grandpa?
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It is for sure grandma or grandpa wouldn’t make it up those open stairs, and any MCM owner worth their salt isn’t going to put in a power lift. Wouldn’t want to ruin the lines.
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Please remember that many of these homes were designed as experiments trying to push design limits. And like in any other field, they helped write newer codes each year. It’s easy to criticize them 50 years later for not having what we are used to now… it’s also easy to do simple fixes and use them without worrying so much also. 50 years ago families were also more attentive to their children than what we see now a days due to both parents working. If we step outside of this country, many of these designs still exists in many other countries and do not see as many problems as the article is trying to portray. We live here in a safety balloon, many times fell to use our common sense (myself included) before acting – simple example, crossing a busy street without checking for traffic, walking on a wet-slippery floor without paying attention. One of the comments above addresses one point that I would also like to reiterate- we should protect children and people as much as we can but without making them afraid of taking risks (by protecting them too much).
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This a very Level-headed reply, thank you. Yes, there are many fixes for some of the modern design dilemmas. I own a MCM which i love, yet it is a ranch, so no worries with stairs or open ledges or bannisters. There is a lot of glass and i made sure that Shoji doors protected anyone from accidentally walking into the glass. We also have a cement swimming pool (1950s) — everyone’s learned to swim easily and swim well — never had one accident with kids or grandkids near the water. Is there such a thing as a perfectly safe home, yard, or neighborhood?
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I’m guessing that Sunil was not alive 50 years ago, when mothers fed their kids lunch and said, “Go outside and play and don’t come back until dinner time.” So, the moms could get some peace, you see. Mid-day banishment also kept the houses cleaner.
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My mom said the same thing, one day I caught her packing. We kept a closer eye on the house after that. A kid can’t be to careful these days.
LOL
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Finally – a progressive response. I would only add that in fact some of these houses are more like 60-70 years old, and you can find many “traditional (read backward looking) style” homes of that period equally unsafe. [ it would be great if someone actually compared the accident data from residents of these homes compared to others of the era]. Moreover, some of the things cited might be unsafe for infants—who should be closely supervised anyway—but look like great places for young kids to explore! Why not explore the ledge under your balcony, or your 18″ reflecting pool? I feel sad for the children of these posters, because apparently they are never allow to explore the rocks at the beach.
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I don’t think living in an impractical home with a child counts as “letting a child take risks”. Ground rule? Potentially fatal = not an acceptable risk. And I don’t believe that parents were more attentive 50 years ago; classic mythologising of the past. Most personal accounts I’ve heard would indicate otherwise. At any rate, even a stay at home mother (today or fifty years ago) can’t watch her child every minute of the day,and a minute is all it takes for an infant to go face down in a shallow pool of water and not be able to get out.
I just don’t see the point in arguing against what is an entirely valid point, especially when it has for what appears to be comedic purposes.
I mean, I get that the houses are not designed with child-safety in mind. And in discussion about concept and design, that might be irrelevant. But I also think that, at the end of the day, people need to learn to look at practical things like homes in practical ways. (It’s how I feel every time I see a huge house with big rooms and all I can think: but how much does electricity and heating cost?).
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I remember some relevant design reviews when I was at the UT School of Architecture. In a first or second year studio, a friend of mine had a moat (obviously) around his project with a bridge over it WITHOUT a rail. The professor asked him, ‘what would keep people from falling into the moat’? His answer, ‘common sense’.
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Hilarious. Personally I have always hated mid-century style with a passion, especially the 50’s – 60’s, except maybe for its kitsch value, e.g. making great Mad Men sets. Sure there were some standouts, but for the most part architecture during that period became one big wanking off party for architects’ egos, with little room for ergonomics, usability, creating warm/inviting/humane spaces, etc. That they’re also potentially hostile to children and/or the elderly makes me feel even less guilty about hating buildings from this period.
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“one big wanking off party for architect’s egos”–YES. Thank you for articulating exactly what I loathe about this period!
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Apparently you prefer to wank of in your detail cluttered, claustrophobic, dark, hokey Ye Olde Colonial revival. US domestic architectural has not been interesting since it gave up looking forward for looking backwards c. 1975
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I long for the days of the cave, simple and free of clutter.
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don’t have children
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“Where are all the children? Probably under that ledge, unconscious.”
That’s the best place for children
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lol well I follow the “This is Sparta!” methodology with regards to child rearing so I intend to include all sort of design features like this in my next home that way only those of my children who are worthy will survive, it will save me thousands in college costs for those potential english majors…
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Are my corbusier and eames chairs going to kill me if I sit on them???!!!???
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Cardinal Fang! Fetch…THE COMFY CHAIR!
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They haven’t yet? Must be a knock off.
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i know this is for humor but
a-i’m gay and do not plan to adopt
b-if you can afford any or these, you can also afford to hire a ninja butler
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Best. Reply. Ever.
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Hilarious, but even ninja butlers must pee at some point. That is when the children will sprint for the ledges.. Little kids are surprisingly ninja-like when your back is turned.
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hire two, take shifts
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but i love your comment, is hilarious
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Glad to be an empty nester, I guess. But also: http://www.ted.com/talks/gever_tulley_on_5_dangerous_things_for_kids.html
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that is good, but in homes the life should be safe enough.
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Not everything is meant for children. That’s not the worst thing in the world.
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It’s called Darwinism
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My home has many of these design elements, then again my dog is smart enough not to kill himself. My home is not intended for children, it in meant for adult living.
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Good design follows function and great design enhance it.
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This is very funny. Virtually all of these design styles are now illegal in most states. When my parents built their “modern” home about 15 years ago, many of the design elements had to be modified to pass inspection. Of course, that didn’t stop them from going back after the inspection and changing them back, I remember the distance between the posts on the railing being too far apart to pass inspection and my mother insisting it be redone after inspection to match the original design. Pretty much everything about that house is un-kid friendly.
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I’m pretty sure my kids would fare better than me or most of my friends — we’d definitely all be underneath the ledge, unconscious!
I enjoy these houses much in the same way that I enjoy the pictures of other beautiful home, like the ones with all-white furniture & white rugs or glass doors on every kitchen cupboard, which I guess would be a great way to showcase my exquisite collection of sippy cups…
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I think the display of ultra-modern architecture is marvelous. Isn’t it probable that the owners don’t have children?
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Just like an appreciation of mid-century architecture can winnow out individuals with a superior sense of style, the selective pruning of offspring can ensure that only the fittest and most intelligent progeny survive. (In other words, if your kid is stupid and runs off a roof there are long-term benefits to the species.)
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I love the one with the ledge leading to a large sharp rock.
And yes, my children would be diving off just like yours… Thanks for the warnings. 🙂
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absurd… sorry but this is absurd.
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Sure this is dangerous for kids, but I’m certain I’d be the first one to take a tumble off those crazy stairs. And what fun is a glamorous cocktail party without betting on which of your drunken guest is falling right off your patio or into your reflecting pool? An era that combines routine alcohol abuse with incredibly dangerous architectural features – what’s not to love?
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and tonights entertainment is the monopoly guy drowning
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Oh, I almost forgot pencil skirts and stilleto heels. It’s not the kids who are going to topple off your rooftop, it’s the Mom with the martini.
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that is right, and thre are many constructions and buildings with same very dangerous sence, I am seeing many multi stories residential buildings and the architect was with no sense ,,, the windows was slide window with no protection to outside, it is more dangerous for the adualt also.
even in 1st level it is dangerous how on the 12 or 16 floor is
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Where is that first house, the black and white pic of the wing house? I swear I’ve been in that house.
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Great design is one of the better reasons not to have kids. Be happy in your space, and let your neighbors do the reproducing.
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The Brady Bunch kids did just fine…They even played ball in the house.
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Our kids (11 & 16) are growing up in the coolest mid-century modern house – you forgot about the concrete painted floors. We had those for a while, but my repeated visions of one of them careening around a corner drove us to put down a floating pergo floor. We STILL have walls of glass, a wrought iron spiral staircase and brick walls. We did finally sell the coffee table that was a concrete, impressed top with a steel band around it (because THAT was a dental accident waiting to happen). They DO appreciate their house, and all their friends who come trick-or-treating have to walk by a built-in waterfall. Not ONE has fallen in, and what do they all usually say? “This is the COOLEST.HOUSE.EVER”. MORE kids should be exposed to good, modern design – as they are mostly growing up in these obnoxious mini-mansions. 🙂
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The horror: http://rileggo.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/2445665-floating-village-tonle-sap-lake-0.jpg
Also ban trees because kids can climb them.
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Is not the true adult appeal …. If I owned this house then at some point nobody is going to be looking and I could totally climb up on that rock wall in my living room! And since I am clearly a wealthy adult …. mom can’t stop me!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! …. Hahaha ….. ha …. how do I get down?
Because seriously, if you purchase that first house and never combat roll off the roof, you are clearly dead inside. Just sayin’ 😛
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MCM is the attempt to clean the gene pool. Clearly it did not work, there are still boomers walking the earth. Darwin was right the strong and sober survive.
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haha. This is great. Thanks for sharing.
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Is the top photo of the Catalano House in Raleigh, North Carolina? I know the architect built it for his own family but only lived there for a year. I hope someone who knows will jump in here.
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its funny how Europeans design without all the safety devices put in by American agencies to keep us from killing ourselves, and yet, they don’t kill themselves. They actually grow up smarter and more self aware and don’t blame others for their own stupidity…
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So true! I’ve scraped my arms and legs at the Waterfall house so much I was bleeding by the end of the tour! Here’s a safe MCM house, for your viewing pleasure: http://www.sense-of-space.com/liberty/index.html
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But if everything were designed aound toddler safety, we would all live in one-story carpeted suburban box homes somewhere near Oklahoma City. Not everybody still has kids or wants kids.
Sweet open staircases look deadly to clumsy or drunk adults, too (on site medics would create a lot of jobs, right?). Probably a good design from an overpopulation-prevention point of view. 🙂
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Children? My god, one party and half my friends would be in Hospital. At least kids bounce. Adults just splat. I’d have to belay myself to get around some of those features. I think they’re brilliant. I love MCM. Maybe why I don’t have children. Or pets, although they’d probably love jumping in the pools.
Seriously some metal bits and cable and they’d be perfect.
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Substituting “inebriated adult” for “child” makes any of my dinner parties a welcome disaster for all of these scenarios…I can envision Luke in that indoor koi pond right now…
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