The clean lines, the geometric decorative elements, the seamless blending of indoor and outdoor space… I sure do love mid-century modern architecture.
Do you know what I love more? My children. And that is why I will never live in my MCM dream home. Because mid-century modern architecture is designed to KILL YOUR CHILDREN. (Also, moderately clumsy or drunk adults).
We can be reasonably certain that none of these children reached adulthood.
As a public service, Projectophile is alerting its readers to the dangers posed by key elements of mid-century modern residential design.
1. OPEN LEDGES:
I love open, flowing space as much as the next modern girl. But I know it would only be a matter of minutes before my kid flings himself off one of these deadly ledges…
Red arrows show the direction of travel of children’s bodies
What four-year-old can resist that hidden nook?
That’s going to require at least ten stitches.
Where are all the children? Probably under that ledge, unconscious.
Someone needs to call protective services on this place, because this stylish modern mother is too absorbed in her reading to notice that all her children have fallen into the living room garden:
2. FIRE, WATER, AND OTHER DEATH TRAPS INSPIRED BY NATURE:
First of all, make sure your kid wears her helmet when she inevitably climbs up, and then falls of of, this rock formation in your dream living room.
Be sure to check those crevices for rabid bats.
As soon as you turn around to fetch the marshmallows, Junior is going to stumble right into that open fireplace (and stumble out with some third-degree burns). And watch out for that mysterious little nook on the right!
The use of indoor reflecting pools creates a calm and deadly space in your modern dream home:
Children in mid-century modern homes are advised to wear flotation devices at all times. This glamorous couple has no idea what danger lurks in that strangely-placed reflective pool.
“Darling, why is it suddenly so quiet in there?”
And for goodness sake, don’t send your kids trick-or-treating near this Mid-Century Modern fortress:
3. FLOATING STAIRS:
Nothing is more un-modern than an unsightly railing on your stairs. To add extra danger to your mid-century staircase, twist the stairs into a dramatic 180-degree turn, or simply make the angle of the stairs extra steep.
(Hey, aren’t these just a bunch of IKEA Lack shelves nailed to a wall?)
These extra-dangerous stairs lead right to the ceiling, guaranteeing a concussion for your curious child.
These soaring, multi-story bannisters add a touch of safety, but you know my kid would totally get her head stuck in between them. Keep a crowbar handy to pry her free…
The mid-century dream house below comes with its own on-site medical team, in the very likely event that your children will either drown, fall, slip on those mossy stairs, or impale themselves on a rock.
Or maybe that’s dried blood I see on those stairs?
If you care about your children’s safety, perhaps you’ll want to settle down in a late Georgian colonial revival.
projectophile 
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I’m sure the tongue in cheek remarks were intended to be funny, and of course are if you look at them in that manner. Some of you seem to be missing the point. Not to mention the fanatical abdication of parental responsibility we seem to be suffering from in this country. Oh let me re-phrase that, lack of personal responsibility!
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SOOOO glad you said that Rob. My thoughts exactly. I am sure this was meant to be funny, but I think its sad that we can no longer watch our children or teach them what to or not to do. We have raised a generation of children who will be afraid of everything. Many children lived in MCM homes their entire lives and I am sure turned out well…
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There is no way to physically watch your child’s every move every second of every day. That’s why there’s things like childproof locks for cabinets, prescription bottles, etc.
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i even spent a childhood riding a bike with NO helmet !! lol
and can’t ever remember wearing a seat belt in the front or back seat of the car as a child…..
and i survived 🙂 (as did many others)
pretty sure that i drank out of a garden hose a couple of times too !
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I’m sorry, you obviously never had a 15 month old child. They are faster than adults, devious beyond belief, and magnetically attracted to stairs, rocks, and high places. I’m taking my grandson to the beach this week. And bringing a rope to tie him up.
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Yeah, there was a lot less of this silly concern kids safety back then:
My dad daringly forewent a baby gate on a steep (but banistered) staircase while I was learning to walk, and 50 years later I still struggle with the (comparatively mild) aftereffects of the multiple (comparatively mild) concussions I incurred before my mother put her unfashionably safety-minded foot down.
And my left ankle is aching slightly even as I write this, the long-term legacy of the lack of wheelguards on the bicycle kiddie carrier he cleverly DIYed from a rear wheel cargo carrier and a small cushion.
I expect that modern day children may well be utterly fearless. It is I who am phobic about staircases, and militant about child carriers that leave open spokes.
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Humor Deficit Disorder
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It seems to me that the original blog post is meant to point out the absurdity of rediculously impractical design features in a humorous, tongue-in-cheek manner. I don’t believe it was meant as an essay on personal vs government responsibility or an instructional piece of parenting advice.
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Seriously. Some of these responses are unbelievable! It was JUST funny not a commentary on ANYTHING!!!!!!!
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My father was an artist and architect. He was into renovations. We lived in both traditional and mid-century modern homes. Each style had its own issues. My parents not only watched us but they also taught us how to be responsible for ourselves.
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I just want ALL those pics without the mark-ups! =)
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I thought it was funny!! Sheesh you MCM take yourselves a little too seriously!
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Exactly what I was thinking! Get a sense of humor people!
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As the mother of three boys, I can tell you that no amount of parenting against danger would keep them from the climbing, jumping, etc. Having grown up in that era, I am not sure there were really too many homes around with such features. Our little box ranches weren’t much fun.
Gloria
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I grew up on a farm, with tractors, haybalers, ponds, streams, big boulders, and endless stretches of woods and survived to have great memories about it. That being said I think the article was meant to be funny and it was! Love the one about the mom reading while her children have all fallen into the living room garden.
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Hello? Kids back then did not play in the living room. Ever. They played in the rumpus room or in the backyard. Or out in the street with the neighborhood kids. Kids were not bubble-wrapped and over-protected. They ran free and had fun.
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Coincidence that I never wanted children and I love MCM?
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I was just about to post the same comment.
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I agree! Keep the beautiful MCM homes and your sense of humor.
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These houses were designed for adults without children, people who enjoy architecture not rug-rats.
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That one staircase doesn’t actually lead to the ceiling, you can see the gap in the ceiling, it’s just hard to spot
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I think that the top step is maybe attached to the ceiling, but there is definitely not a hole large enough for a human to fit through.
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I’m not sure that as an adult I could navigate many of those features without falling in or off of something.
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Hilarious! I laughed the whole way through. LOVE the arrows!
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no kid ever got hurt playing in the street or the backyard or in a regular ‘safe’ georgian colonial, right? kids get hurt cause they haven’t had years of learning how to operate all that body machinary and that’s how they learn. so they would most definitely probably try to learn a few lessons on the above homes.
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I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t live in those places either, for the sane reasons 🙂
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You forgot the old “200-pound glass light fixture that looks like the Mothership from ‘Close Encounters’ hung from the ceiling by a thread.” My (childless) aunt and uncle had one in their den. Come to think about it, they had the floating stairs too.
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*chuckle* I used to be the only one with the nerve to change the bulbs in the chandeliers in the great room…where my dad found the 30 ft ladder, I’m not sure 😉
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Werner E7416 fiberglass trestle ladder, about 29′ to the top fully extended, 32-33′ work height standing atop the extension. But they’re a hair over $1,000 new. 😯
Little Giant ladders makes an Aluminum A-style that big, and it’s also over $1,000. I have an old Werner E7412 21′ and they’re over $600 now..
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I’ve got an idea… I know it might sound radical… HOW ABOUT WATCHING WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE DOING AND BEING A GOOD, RESPONSIBLE PARENT?
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Here’s an even better idea…. GET A SENSE OF HUMOR!
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Wow, I can’t believe no one has brought up the fact that most of these designs could not be built today (in America) because of building code requirements. Many “floating stairs” are still allowed in South America, etc – but “no railing” and “open railing” absolutely not permitted.
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Good to know that we have to have railings now! As a clumsy adult, I’d be afraid to go into some of those homes. Parents these days aren’t supposed to let their kids play outside in the street anymore. You set up play dates and take them to a safe playground where they can have fun. Letting them wander out on their own like we did when we were kids might earn you a call from DFACS. 😦
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I understood many of those MCM homes were originally commissioned by people whose children were older, if not grown and out of the house, or never had children.
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If it weren’t for these houses, we’d have twice as many baby-boomers around today.
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hahahahaha
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HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My two year old would do all that and MORE! I am quite certain of that.
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Kids?? What about adults? I have seen many slip and fall on a flat surface. I think these designers just want to be different and make a buck. I can just see some elderly person
living in a pace like that or a young couple that got a little tipsy. It would be a terrible and
uncalled for accident. I love my children too much to even have ever considered a place like this.
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I ‘survived’ a Mid-Century house – slate floors, rough stone hearth, plate glass windows, the works…and oh, I laugh at people who want granite kitchens, where even Pyrex comes to die…but I think my increased resilience, pain tolerance, and adaptability compared to my suburban peers? has as much do to with the Progressives who raised me as it did the environment I was allowed to explore…but that’s just me, and the classmates who didn’t survive to graduation? mostly died in 80’s era drunk-driving-Bronco rollovers.
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Thank goodness I don’t have any kids just smart dogs! Beautifully designed Modern Home here I come!
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hmm interesting
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Lol! Love the comments! Not a fan of mid-century myself, but just in case you think you’re safe in older, our 180 year-old home probably has lead paint and we’ve all fallen down the stairs. You really can’t win… ranch maybe? But what fun would that be? 😉
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I’m pretty sure i would break my neck on some of those stairs and i’m 36…. 🙂
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OMG that giant rock in the living room is much more pleasing to look at that a big plastic “Little Tykes” climbing cube. Drop a rubber ducky in the reflection pond and you’ve got a year round splash pool. No more “mommy im bored and its too cold to play outside!”
I just might be tempted to put a cargo net and slide off one of those big ledges in the living room. There would be no reason to buy big toys, the house is piratically a juggle gym.
Plus, if you don’t live in a child proof insulated bubble, your children will actually believe you when you say “Hey, stop or you are going to get hurt!”
I feel like “I told you so” is a great follow up to a physics and gravity lesson.
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Ha!!! This is fantastic/hilarious.
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I think this is hilarious. These comments slay me though. People can be so obnoxious!
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It just that, even when we understand that the piece was tongue in cheek (but still had a point), we have to point out the realities, which we can all figure out for ourselves. When I looked again at one of the staircases, I realized it did have a railing, but on the wall side, where it would be good for steadying the user, but wouldn’t keep him from falling to certain something or other.
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I have only just seen this post and would like to reassure projectophile and everyone else that all the children on the ledge of the house shown in the first photograph reached adulthood intact; we are still alive and well today. I am the dark haired little girl in the photo -second from the right – and my father, Eduardo Catalano, designed this house. He taught architecture at the University of North Carolina in Raleigh and this was our home. It was fabulous house.
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Cool! Thanks for the update, and the reassurance. 🙂
What a privilege to grow up in a piece of functional art!
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I asked this question on April 9th:
Barbara Delaney on April 9, 2013 at 2:41 pm said:
Is the top photo of the Catalano House in Raleigh, North Carolina? I know the architect built it for his own family but only lived there for a year. I hope someone who knows will jump in here.
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Yes, it is the Catalano House in Raleigh and my father, Eduardo Catalano, designed it as our home. My mother was also an architect so I think she probably also had some input as well. We only lived there a short time – I’m not sure how long – because my father was offered a position teaching architecture at MIT and we moved to Massachusetts. I do know my parents had trouble selling the house because at the time it was too radical a design for most buyers in Raleigh.
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Too much fun with this post. “Keep a crowbar handy to pry her out” – ha! Great job guys!
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Great design AND Natural Selection…two great tastes that taste great together?
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The perfect response, thanks for the laugh!
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Loved it. It was good to start the day laughing.
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I drink too damn much for houses with obstacles like this!!
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I was thinking the same thing. One too many glasses of Pinot and I’m down those stairs and breaking my neck.
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Where is everyone’s sense of humor? What a funny article and beautiful homes. You’d think that some of these posters are the architects of these homes since the comments are so defensive.
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Laugh out loud brilliant. Apparently several readers lack the satire appreciation gene…
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LOVE this post!!! We have an MCM home and two young children. But ours is more of the MCM daylight ranch tank house rather than the dream home of open indoor/outdoor living, so my children are rarely unconscious in nooks or ponds. But maybe that’s because of the flotation devices we make them wear all the time….
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Pinkerton Guards is the answer…..Everyone should have one….
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Pinkerton? Shot down in cold blood nine striking workers at a Carnegie steel mill. Yes, they are the answer 🙂
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I remember, as a teen, babysitting at “The Rich People House” and fearing ALL these things and more.
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brilliant. those indoor/outdoor swimming pools for having cocktails in take the cake, not to mention the sunken living rooms – my personal favourite MCM feature…
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I grew up in one of those houses in the 50’s. Neither I, nor my siblings or friends, were ever injured more than the normal bumps and scrapes of childhood. The first house pictured above was designed and built by the great Argentinian Architect; Eduardo Catalano for his family while he lived in Raleigh, NC and was connected with the School of Design at NC State. He was a colleague of my father and I visited the home many times as a chiild and loved it! In fact the boy standing at the left could be myself, I recognize at least two of the other kids in the picture. We loved playing all over that house, but were instructed to stay off the roof, which to my memory we did. Sadly the house fell into disrepair beyond redemption and was demolished about 10 years ago.
Our parents believed in common sense back then, something which sadly has gone out of style recently, along with much of good design.
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HINT Phillip Scott: Search the responses to this thread – One of the Catalano kids has responded earlier. You two need to hook up again. (Internet “Concentration” at work)
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Hello Phillip,
It’s Eduardo’s daughter – thanks for your nice memories of the Raleigh House (as we called it in our family). The other children are the Caminos children who lived next door and it’s Miguel on the left. The photo was taken by Ezra Stoller for one of the architectural magazines of the time, and also published in books of his photography. I got quite a shock when it popped up on this and other websites. On a personal note, your mother kept in touch with my parents particularly during the period she was living in Massachussetts, and I met her a couple of times when I was visiting them. Regards, Alex
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Having once stayed at an architecturally gorgeous house with a toddler in Mexico (that I renamed the “house of death” for it’s cliffside drop-offs), I applaud this post. While I look forward to returning to that stunning local someday….it will be when my children can tell the difference between 1 foot and 100 feet. http://dld.bz/cxX5J
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Funny but true. However, not all of us have kids. I’m not a mother but I still freak out a bit at unsafe stairwells and bodies of water as I’m a clumsy adult who has also been known to sleepwalk. I sometimes see shots on the internet of a beautiful outdoor space with no railing and what looks like to be trees (the top half, not the bottom) and I’m like where the F are the railings? Did they get photoshopped out or does that patio really have a sheer 10 ft (at least) drop?
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