15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children

The clean lines, the geometric decorative elements, the seamless blending of indoor and outdoor space… I sure do love mid-century modern architecture.

Do you know what I love more? My children. And that is why I will never live in my MCM dream home. Because mid-century modern architecture is designed to KILL YOUR CHILDREN. (Also, moderately clumsy or drunk adults).

im_certain_none_of_these_children_reached_adulthood

We can be reasonably certain that none of these children reached adulthood.

As a public service, Projectophile is alerting its readers to the dangers posed by key elements of mid-century modern residential design.

1.  OPEN LEDGES:

I love open, flowing space as much as the next modern girl. But I know it would only be a matter of minutes before my kid flings himself off one of these deadly ledges…

ledge5redarrow

Red arrows show the direction of travel of children’s bodies

ledge2

What four-year-old can resist that hidden nook?

ledge4-read arrow

That’s going to require at least ten stitches.

ledge3

Where are all the children? Probably under that ledge, unconscious.

Someone needs to call protective services on this place, because this stylish modern mother is too absorbed in her reading to notice that all her children have fallen into the living room garden:

ledgeredarrow

2. FIRE, WATER, AND OTHER DEATH TRAPS INSPIRED BY NATURE:

First of all, make sure your kid wears her helmet when she inevitably climbs up, and then falls of of, this rock formation in your dream living room.

rocks1

Be sure to check those crevices for rabid bats.

 As soon as you turn around to fetch the marshmallows, Junior is going to stumble right into that open fireplace (and stumble out with some third-degree burns).  And watch out for that mysterious little nook on the right!

fireplacew-arrow2The use of indoor reflecting pools creates a calm and deadly space in your modern dream home:

blackandwhitepoolofdeathChildren in mid-century modern homes are advised to wear flotation devices at all times. This glamorous couple has no idea what danger lurks in that strangely-placed reflective pool.

indoor reflecting pool white circle1

“Darling, why is it suddenly so quiet in there?”

And for goodness sake, don’t send your kids trick-or-treating near this Mid-Century Modern fortress:

drowningpool2

3. FLOATING STAIRS:

Nothing is more un-modern than an unsightly railing on your stairs. To add extra danger to your mid-century staircase, twist the stairs into a dramatic 180-degree turn, or simply make the angle of the stairs extra steep.

ultimatedeathstairs

deathstairs3(Hey, aren’t these just a bunch of IKEA Lack shelves nailed to a wall?)

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These extra-dangerous stairs lead right to the ceiling, guaranteeing a concussion for your curious child.

These soaring, multi-story bannisters add a touch of safety, but you know my kid would totally get her head stuck in between them. Keep a crowbar handy to pry her free…

deathstairs6The mid-century dream house below comes with its own on-site medical team, in the very likely event that your children will either drown, fall, slip on those mossy stairs, or impale themselves on a rock.

deathhouse

Or maybe that’s dried blood I see on those stairs?

If you care about your children’s safety, perhaps you’ll want to settle down in a late Georgian colonial revival.

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643 thoughts on “15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children

  1. On the other hand, if the kids survive growing up in one of your dream homes, they’ll probably be Olympic gold medal winners – millionaires by the time they’re 21. Isn’t that an opportunity worth giving them?

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  2. Pingback: 15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children | smartnsultry

  3. Ha! This is so funny!
    It does make a point that our society, and parents in general may be a bit more over-protective now than they used to. I can say I am guilty of it. I’m scared to get my kids a bunk bed!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I actually had to spend a day and a half in one of those homes with my two sons: a 1-year-old and a 2-year-old. Ever watched a basketball guard? That was me for hours on end! One of the boys almost drowned in the reflective pool, I went hoarse from yelling “NO NO!”, and it was a week before the crick in my back healed up. Never again!! But thanks for the memories! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my… such a wonderful laugh for today! Your article supports my love for traditional homes – even after the ids are grown and gone! No indoor garden for us, I hate bugs/insects, and for sure we won’t have a pool near! Thanks again for the laugh!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Excellent blog! Do you have any hints for aspiring writers?
    I’m planning to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything.
    Would you advise starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many options
    out there that I’m completely overwhelmed ..
    Any tips? Thanks!

    Like

  7. I sure hope this is sarcasm…I love MCM, my kids and grandkids. Times have changed, we grew up playing outside all day unattended climbing ‘outdoor’ rocks and trees and no one wound up dead. Oh, we rode bikes without helmets too! lol

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This story is just why parents are so protective and our kids are so lazy to think. We over protect our kids and our buildings industry is over regulated. if you like the charactoristics of a mid century home a good architect will be able to apply the key elements is a modern fortress for your cotton wool children

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I laughed all the way through this. I’ve been through the falling stage, the jumping stage, the tricking-people-into-backing-into/over/onto stage, and the out and out pushing stage of my kids lives. Now I’m in the better-watch-your-step stage of my own. Beautiful but deadly is right. Thanks for the laugh.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. These houses may have been dangerous for mid-century children, but they pose no threat to modern and post-modern ones. Kids today leave neither their couches nor their phones, so they are in no danger whatsoever. Pick on the architecture of your own time.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. “Nothing is more un-modern than an unsightly railing on your stairs. To add extra danger to your mid-century staircase, twist the stairs into a dramatic 180-degree turn.” ~ Ha! Great line!

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  12. Excellent post, I needed that laugh. I am fascinated by modern homes and their “functional” beauty. Though I had never thought of them as death traps… I wonder if insurance is more expensive because of the high fatality rate? I am interested now, more than ever, in obtaining one of these homes. It may be a deterrent to thieves. Owning a gun will no longer be necessary. All one needs is a sudden loud noise to cause the home intruder to trip and break their neck. Brilliant!

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  13. I agree, and know these dangers from first hand experience. At age 12 I fell off a balcony that had no railing at a beautiful house my mother used to clean. I was with her during my school holidays and was playing with the owners two little kids under three. I stood near the edge to keep them away from the edge and falling over. My mother was always worried one of their children would fall of that balcony. Well, it was me who fell off, because I stupidly turned my back and stepped backwards. It was a 20ft drop.

    Lucky for me I fell on a huge bunch of dry cut holly leaves/branches, it created a springy bed that probably saved my life. I was kind of impaled on the holly though…ouch!! My mother heard my screams and came and pulled me off. It took a long time to get all those prickly leaves out of my clothes and hair.

    They also had a stairway that led to their kids playroom that had no railing either, the inevitable happened, both their youngest ones fell off and ended up being rushed to hospital with large bumps on their head! Even after all that, they still never changed a thing. Some people are really crazy!!

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  14. I’m certain that the children will bounce right back. Think of the MCM as a practice arena for the impending zombie apocalypse. It’s training.

    If I had the opportunity to own one, kids be damned, I’m grabbing it. You can always make more kids, but a lovely MCM is hard to come by.

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