Ever heard the advice, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have”?  Perhaps you’ve also heard this inspirational line, “Dance like there’s nobody watching.”

When you work from home, the truth is somewhere in between: Dress Like There’s Nobody Watching. Because, really, nobody is watching. That you know of, at least.   Yes, I have one of those magical jobs that could only exist in the 21^st Century.  I work from home, part-time.  I have deadlines, but long as the work gets done, it doesn’t matter exactly where or when I do it.  I love the relative flexibility and freedom, the ability to spend more time with my children while they’re still needy and incontinent. *

But most of all, I love the FASHIONS!  Don’t be fooled – dressing for the Home Office means so much more than just crawling out of bed towards your laptop.  You, too, can dress for success with these simple tips!

PROJECTOPHILE’S FASHION, BEAUTY and LIFESTYLE TIPS FOR THE HOME-BASED WORKER

Most of you heard this advice at the Unemployment Office after you lost your job in 2009: Change out of your pajamas every day, even if you have no place to go.

But how do you ignore this advice if you sleep in your underwear? You find the next best thing to pajamas: Sweatpants!

But not just any sweatpants – your husband’s sweatpants!  When Scott and I wed  five years ago, we committed ourselves to a sweatpants-free marriage.  It was a matter of pride that our pants had zippers, buttons, and belt loops – no elastic in sight.  That all changed last year when Scott underwent a minor procedure that will prevent us from having any more (of his) children.  The doctor instructed him to bring baggy sweatpants to the procedure, since he’d be sporting some ice packs below the belt on the way home.  He grabbed a pair from the $5 sweatpants/shirts bin at Walgreens, strategically located between the junk food and the check out:

Unfortunately,  most insurance plans do not cover Prescription Sweatpants.

The sweatpants seal had been broken!   And soon enough, those shapeless, XL sacks of cotton became my daily work wear.
And when there’s a chill in the air, nothing complements your husband’s sweatpants better than his second-favorite hoodie: DON’T FORGET YOUR EXTREMITIES!  For the Home-Based Worker, your choice of footwear is a very personal one:  Slippers or socks?  Slippers make my feet sweat.  But even in the summer, I can’t risk leaving my feet bare, since most of our apartment’s floors are either sticky or planted with Legos. Thick wool socks fit the bill. Skip the cotton — wool breathes and never gets stinky.

In the winter, you don’t want to heat the whole house just to keep your three square feet of workspace warm.  If your electronic devices aren’t keeping you toasty enough, consider cutting the tips off your least-favorite pair of gloves for additional warmth, without any loss of dexterity. WHEN YOU NEED TO KICK IT UP A NOTCH:  When I’m feeling drowsy or hitting a deadline, I’ll pull on some actual athletic gear, like running shoes, shorts and sports bra.  The tight synthetic fibers always get my heart pumping. Please note that sweatpants, track pants and yoga pants do NOT qualify as athletic.

WHEN YOU MUST LEAVE THE HOUSE:  A FIVE–MINUTE MAKEOVER: Sometimes you need to run to the post office or pick your kids up from school. Many Home Workers find the process of leaving the house to be quite traumatic. The good news is that you don’t actually have to take a shower.  Here’s a few easy steps to ease the transition from the Inside to Outside World in five minutes or less.

1) First, brush your teeth and tongue. If you really can’t be bothered, then a stick of Trident will do.
2) Using a wet washcloth, scrub away the eye boogers and grape jelly that’s dried on your cheek.
3) Apply some deodorant if you plan on hugging anyone. Otherwise, don’t bother.
4) Even though shoulder-length hair is fairly easy to maintain, it does start to look like a greasy rat nest after a couple of days.
Let’s get a close up of those oily bangs — eeew!:
Use my patented two-step system to transform your look. All you need is some shampoo and a water bottle — no shower required. While leaning over your sink, simply wet and wash ONLY THE BANGS (or the hairline area if you don’t wear bangs).

My husband wants you to know that I’m not naked; I’m actually wearing a tank top but you just can’t see the straps.

Rinse your bangs with the water bottle and blow-dry. Pull the rest of the hair into a sleek ponytail. What a transformation!
Can we get a close up of those clean, shiny-but-not-greasy bangs?5) Makeup: I’ve heard that makeup helps women feel sexy, but lipstick makes me feel like a circus clown.  So I have nothing to add here.

6) Swap out your sweatpants for something on the other end of the comfort spectrum, like jeans.  I’ve learned that “skinny” jeans, while a questionable style choice for some, actually hold their shape quite well after days or weeks without being laundered due to their high level of elasticity.  Use the same washcloth from Step #2 to dab away any visible stains.

7) Time to change your shirt? No way! Just add an extra layer to mask whatever stains you’ve accumulated over the past few days. A sweater vest is perfect for hiding the grape jelly stains on your torso:
Choose a cardigan for when your front is clean but you accidentally dipped your elbow in chocolate cream pie (I actually did this on Sunday).
OTHER WORKING-FROM-HOME LIFESTYLE TIPS:
Re-heat the same cup of coffee over and over again. Alternately, leave a cup of coffee in the microwave for days on end.  Wander around the apartment aimlessly while drinking your coffee, put it down, and promptly forget where you left it.  Especially if you use cream and sugar, your kids will be thrilled to discover it days later covered in green fuzz.
Leave the radio on for at least  eight hours a day. This is the closest thing you have to human interaction, and the hourly change of programming will give you a sense of the passing of time. I like to take a coffee break at 11:00 AM to chat with Terry Gross. Plus, you’ll always know when someone famous dies, cause she’ll immediately air their interview from the archives.

Terry Gross, lounging on a bed of rose petals, just as I always imagined.

Finally, pay special attention to your local traffic report.  Pity the poor members of the Commuting Class, while sipping your fifth cup of reheated coffee.  Just don’t spill any on your sweatpants.

* This means I also get to be full-time cook, laundress, grocery shopper and butt-wiper. Jealous?

A week ago today, my two-year-old threw up on me in a neighborhood park. Within seconds, preschool forensic experts from every corner of the park swarmed around to guess what my boy had eaten for lunch.

A re-enactment of the throwing up incident.

I’m not telling you this to elicit sympathy, or curb overpopulation by grossing you out of having kids of your own.

I want to share a story of silver linings, and serendipity.  A lesson about slowing down and digging around.

The next day, instead of working, I had to keep this sick little boy home with me.  By mid-morning he had nothing more than a mild fever. Out of sheer boredom, we rode the cargo bike to our favorite neighborhood thrift store, looking for nothing in particular.

While digging around in the racks of bedding, I bumped my shin against something pleathery. I pulled apart the tangled web of musty Disney Princess comforters to find this:I texted the above picture to Scott, who has gotten pretty good at being my husband. His response? I trust your judgment, Love.

With its filthy vinyl skin and wooden legs, it’s not exactly a Barcelona chair.  It’s not even a Toldedo (Spain) chair. More like a Toledo, Ohio chair.

But for $20, I couldn’t leave it behind.

Twenty bucks may seem steep for a thrift store, but to put it in perspective, (the horribly misnamed) Design Within Reach sells a “real” white leather Barcelona chair for  $5,271.  What other design bloggers might call an “investment piece.”The chair definitely needed some tough love: A thorough all-over cleaning, plus new tufting and buttons on the seat cushion. 
I found a few minor tears and scrapes in the vinyl, but nothing too visible or worth repairing:

HOW TO RESTORE YOUR POOR MAN’S BARCELONA CHAIR
INGREDIENTS:
One crummy looking white vinyl (pleather or Naugahyde) chair
Vinyl cleaner + rag
Fabric-covered shank buttons or button-making kit
Big ball of twine
Large doll or decorator’s needle
Staple gun + scissors

STEP ONE – UNBUTTON:  The buttons and most of the stitching on the backrest are fine. But on the seat, the stitching is entirely gone and a couple of buttons are missing. The remaining buttons are loose and rusted, having stained the vinyl beneath them.

Since the bottom dust cover is missing, we can easily see where the buttons are attached to the seat base.

Simply clip the twine and unravel it from the nails and staples, and pull the buttons off the top.  Keep the nails in place for step three.  Your seat now has puckered rust stains where the buttons once lived:
STEP TWO – CLEAN: I spent some time in vintage car enthusiast chat rooms — the only place on the internet you’ll find an informed debate about how to care for old vinyl seats (in their case, car seats).  I was told to avoid abrasives or harsh (acid-based) cleaners that will wear away vinyl’s plastic coating, causing it to dry and crack.  I couldn’t keep track of the recommend brands, so I pedaled over to my nearest AutoZone and grabbed the first bottle I saw.**
This stuff actually worked quite well, applied with a soft, clean rag and some muscle.  I didn’t wear gloves, and it left my bare hands feeling strangely soft and supple, like the back seat of a ’68 Firebird.  Next, use an old toothbrush to clear the gunk from the crevice between the seat and back.

While cleaning, I discovered that the original vinyl is more of an creamy eggshell white than a pure white. And, perhaps in an attempt to look like real cow skin, the original vinyl has a swirly yellowish pattern imbedded in it. This might give you some perspective on the color: PRO TIP!  It’s time to talk about bed bugs.  They are real, and have infested the homes of several people in my life, which makes me think twice about dragging home second-hand furniture.  You won’t find much soft stuffing in this chair, but just to be sure I pulled a sample from under the seat and tried an old trick I learned as a kid when my cat had fleas.   We would comb Kitty’s fur and set a tuft of it on a wet paper towel.  If the bits of dust in her fur turned red on the towel, we knew she still had fleas because fleas (like lice and bedbugs) poop blood.  Gross but true.  Whew, Toledo passed the test!

I sure had fun making Scott guess what this was when he got home from work.

STEP THREE – RE-TUFT:  Since the old metal buttons left permanent rust stains on the vinyl, I needed buttons that were slightly bigger than the stains. I bought two sets of covered shank button kits at my local craft store, and used part of an old bed sheet for the fabric cover. There’s instructions on the package in three languages, so you should be able to figure that process out yourself.Now the actual button tufting requires easy access to the bottom of the seat.  Fans of hospital-based TV dramas will appreciate this opportunity to play doctor.

“We’re gonna need 500 cc’s of Twine, STAT!”

Gently lift the chair up on the “Operating Table” for the big procedure.
Provide your nurse with twine, scissors, buttons and a very long doll or decorator’s needle. Estimate about a foot of twine for each button. Thread a piece of twine through the needle and pull it up through the existing button hole:
Thread the twine through the loop on the back of the button.
Pull the twine back down through the same hole you came up from.
Pull both ends of the twine as tight as you can, loop around the nail and staple to the base of the chair.
Here’s the first row — two down, one to go: Repeat 8 more times.Now, figure out what to do with the $5,251 you just saved!

** Surprisingly, there are no bike racks at AutoZone.

Someday I’ll tell you all about my love/hate relationship with IKEA:  that I don’t understand how a business specializing in furnishing small, urban spaces – ridiculously small spaces – requires you to drive for half a day from your modest city apartment to the sprawling edge of the suburbs.  And how, by the time you get home, the veneer on your 600-pound particleboard bookshelf has already started to warp and bubble.

Glad to see IKEA finally responding to the needs of the color-blind urban Unicyclist.

But then I may also tell you how finding the IKEA catalog in the mailbox is a serious event in my home.  I lay in bed, browsing its colorful pages and drifting into white-washed Scandanavian dreams:  my blonde children quietly playing on their child-sized furniture, my husband and I sipping French-pressed coffee and reading the Stockholm newspaper, me on my second year of government-paid maternity leave, he on his eighth week of paid vacation.

But for now, let me show you how I transformed our structurally sound but cosmetically disastrous IKEA Sigurd bench into a thing of beauty.
It’s a solid bench, and never wobbled for a second. But after just a few months in our dining room, blemishes started to appear on the veneer surface.  Tiny holes in the finish would allow untold gallons of spilled milk to penetrate the vulnerable particleboard below, which would then swell and expand the surface blemishes even further:

Oh, and then there’s that can of polyeurethane I spilled a few months ago. And that bucket of white primer that I knocked over as well:Since it’s nearly impossible to sand and refinish particleboard, I decided to cover the thing in lovely fabric, using roughly the same process as my Floating Headboard.

INGREDIENTS + TOOLS:
One beat-up IKEA Sigurd bench
Oil-cloth or Laminate fabric
Interfacing
Foam padding (not entirely necessary)
Staple Gun
Screwdriver

STEP ONE – DISMANTLE: Remove the seat from the base of the bench by unscrewing the brackets.  Store the screws and brackets in a closed Tupperware container or sealed bag, because, if you’re like me, you’ll get bored and unscrew the seat panel “just to see what happens” but not actually start the project for a couple of weeks. That is plenty of time to lose your screws.
STEP TWO – SELECT FABRIC & FOAM:  Choose a fabric designated as “oilcloth” or “laminated.” You could also get away with using an outdoor (plasticky) tablecloth or even an old shower curtain. Anything that is slick enough to easily wipe clean. Unless you don’t have small kids, then do whatever you want.  I chose a grey-and-white chevron pattern because I am mildly addicted to chevrons, but have limited myself to one chevron-patterned item in each room.

To get the correct amount of fabric and interface, measure your seat panel and add about ten inches extra on all sides (five inches if you’re not using a foam pad).

PRO-TIP!  It is not completely necessary to use padding on your bench. This is a very personal decision and you should consider the length of your meals, the size of your ass(es) and how comfortable you want to make dinner guests. I was leaning away from using foam padding, mostly because I am lazy (please don’t make me go to Jo-Anne fabrics again) and cheap. A bench-sized piece of High Density Urethane foam will set you back at least $50 (U.S).

Then, the night before I finished this project, I took the baby on a walk to the store.  It was a big moving weekend in Chicago and the alleys were bursting with treasure. Would you believe my luck? I found a perfectly good (mostly) roll of three-inch thick foam perched atop a trash can, charmingly tied up with twine. And it fit right on top of the stroller!
Especially if you acquire your foam from an, ahem, non-traditional source, you’ll need to cut it down to size (and lightly spray with vinegar to eliminate the smell). Simply trace the outline of the seat panel on your foam, then grab your scariest kitchen knife and stab away the excess. 

Neither of us can remember where this knife came from. To my knowledge, it has never been used on food.

STEP THREE — COVER:  Make a sandwich out of your interfacing, foam and seat panel, checking that there is a uniform amount of interfacing on all sides.  Pull the interfacing tightly over the foam and staple it to the bottom of the seat panel, far enough towards the middle that you will have room to attach your legs again.  Since you can see through the interfacing, mark the screw holes with a black marker so you don’t forget where to re-attach the brackets.
Now, do it again with the fabric, placing it right-side-down on your kitchen table, then pulling and stapling onto the seat board. Again, use a marker to note the location of the screw holes.STEP FOUR – REASSEMBLE:
Place the leg base back on top of your upside-down seat panel. Line up the screw holes on the leg base with the marks you’ve made on the seat.  Depending on the thickness of your fabric, you may need to create “pilot holes” through the fabric and interfacing with a sewing needle to give the screws easier access to their home holes.Screw your brackets back in and go to bed.
When you wake up the next morning, enthusiastically reveal the newly-transformed, cushier, fantastically more stylish bench to your children. Then try to ignore the four-year-old when she tell you that she doesn’t like it when things change.