15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children

The clean lines, the geometric decorative elements, the seamless blending of indoor and outdoor space… I sure do love mid-century modern architecture.

Do you know what I love more? My children. And that is why I will never live in my MCM dream home. Because mid-century modern architecture is designed to KILL YOUR CHILDREN. (Also, moderately clumsy or drunk adults).

im_certain_none_of_these_children_reached_adulthood

We can be reasonably certain that none of these children reached adulthood.

As a public service, Projectophile is alerting its readers to the dangers posed by key elements of mid-century modern residential design.

1.  OPEN LEDGES:

I love open, flowing space as much as the next modern girl. But I know it would only be a matter of minutes before my kid flings himself off one of these deadly ledges…

ledge5redarrow

Red arrows show the direction of travel of children’s bodies

ledge2

What four-year-old can resist that hidden nook?

ledge4-read arrow

That’s going to require at least ten stitches.

ledge3

Where are all the children? Probably under that ledge, unconscious.

Someone needs to call protective services on this place, because this stylish modern mother is too absorbed in her reading to notice that all her children have fallen into the living room garden:

ledgeredarrow

2. FIRE, WATER, AND OTHER DEATH TRAPS INSPIRED BY NATURE:

First of all, make sure your kid wears her helmet when she inevitably climbs up, and then falls of of, this rock formation in your dream living room.

rocks1

Be sure to check those crevices for rabid bats.

 As soon as you turn around to fetch the marshmallows, Junior is going to stumble right into that open fireplace (and stumble out with some third-degree burns).  And watch out for that mysterious little nook on the right!

fireplacew-arrow2The use of indoor reflecting pools creates a calm and deadly space in your modern dream home:

blackandwhitepoolofdeathChildren in mid-century modern homes are advised to wear flotation devices at all times. This glamorous couple has no idea what danger lurks in that strangely-placed reflective pool.

indoor reflecting pool white circle1

“Darling, why is it suddenly so quiet in there?”

And for goodness sake, don’t send your kids trick-or-treating near this Mid-Century Modern fortress:

drowningpool2

3. FLOATING STAIRS:

Nothing is more un-modern than an unsightly railing on your stairs. To add extra danger to your mid-century staircase, twist the stairs into a dramatic 180-degree turn, or simply make the angle of the stairs extra steep.

ultimatedeathstairs

deathstairs3(Hey, aren’t these just a bunch of IKEA Lack shelves nailed to a wall?)

deathstairs5

These extra-dangerous stairs lead right to the ceiling, guaranteeing a concussion for your curious child.

These soaring, multi-story bannisters add a touch of safety, but you know my kid would totally get her head stuck in between them. Keep a crowbar handy to pry her free…

deathstairs6The mid-century dream house below comes with its own on-site medical team, in the very likely event that your children will either drown, fall, slip on those mossy stairs, or impale themselves on a rock.

deathhouse

Or maybe that’s dried blood I see on those stairs?

If you care about your children’s safety, perhaps you’ll want to settle down in a late Georgian colonial revival.

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547 thoughts on “15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children

  1. Oh wow – my heart dropped through my stomach seeing some of those pictures. My kids are so reckless that if I lived in one of those houses, I would need to give birth (counts on fingers) at least eleven times to have three children reach adulthood.

  2. Thank you, these are great pics. Within the past few years, a person could pick nearly any “artistic” magazine of homes and still– There it is, a project I would not build (I’m a contractor) because not one would pass any inspection from the local “inspector”
    Open staircases are the usual
    Soo, I can still remember Mom yelling out the door. “You kids get off the barn roof” — and we learned to climb the hidden side of the barn roof so she wouldn’t interrupt our fun.

  3. As Gliderpilotlee said, none of these would pass inspection any more. But sooo attractive looking: for adults with strong minds and bodies, who are constantly vigilant…

  4. We needed you back when these fatuous arty design freaks began their work a century ago. Sadly, we have no record of any being stoned to death, or hung, or thrown off a cliff. Well put!

  5. Haha! This was awesome. I think anyone of those homes could give even the bravest of parents a heart attack. My 4 year old has zero fear and wouldn’t hesitate to check out the theory of gravity on a few things.

  6. Pingback: Poste Qui M’a Inspiré II | rubys polaroid

  7. I really like modern house designs. This is such a fun post to read and with awesome pictures even though it’s on the bad side of things. I never thought of it this way. Good article.

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