15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children

The clean lines, the geometric decorative elements, the seamless blending of indoor and outdoor space… I sure do love mid-century modern architecture.

Do you know what I love more? My children. And that is why I will never live in my MCM dream home. Because mid-century modern architecture is designed to KILL YOUR CHILDREN. (Also, moderately clumsy or drunk adults).

im_certain_none_of_these_children_reached_adulthood

We can be reasonably certain that none of these children reached adulthood.

As a public service, Projectophile is alerting its readers to the dangers posed by key elements of mid-century modern residential design.

1.  OPEN LEDGES:

I love open, flowing space as much as the next modern girl. But I know it would only be a matter of minutes before my kid flings himself off one of these deadly ledges…

ledge5redarrow

Red arrows show the direction of travel of children’s bodies

ledge2

What four-year-old can resist that hidden nook?

ledge4-read arrow

That’s going to require at least ten stitches.

ledge3

Where are all the children? Probably under that ledge, unconscious.

Someone needs to call protective services on this place, because this stylish modern mother is too absorbed in her reading to notice that all her children have fallen into the living room garden:

ledgeredarrow

2. FIRE, WATER, AND OTHER DEATH TRAPS INSPIRED BY NATURE:

First of all, make sure your kid wears her helmet when she inevitably climbs up, and then falls of of, this rock formation in your dream living room.

rocks1

Be sure to check those crevices for rabid bats.

 As soon as you turn around to fetch the marshmallows, Junior is going to stumble right into that open fireplace (and stumble out with some third-degree burns).  And watch out for that mysterious little nook on the right!

fireplacew-arrow2The use of indoor reflecting pools creates a calm and deadly space in your modern dream home:

blackandwhitepoolofdeathChildren in mid-century modern homes are advised to wear flotation devices at all times. This glamorous couple has no idea what danger lurks in that strangely-placed reflective pool.

indoor reflecting pool white circle1

“Darling, why is it suddenly so quiet in there?”

And for goodness sake, don’t send your kids trick-or-treating near this Mid-Century Modern fortress:

drowningpool2

3. FLOATING STAIRS:

Nothing is more un-modern than an unsightly railing on your stairs. To add extra danger to your mid-century staircase, twist the stairs into a dramatic 180-degree turn, or simply make the angle of the stairs extra steep.

ultimatedeathstairs

deathstairs3(Hey, aren’t these just a bunch of IKEA Lack shelves nailed to a wall?)

deathstairs5

These extra-dangerous stairs lead right to the ceiling, guaranteeing a concussion for your curious child.

These soaring, multi-story bannisters add a touch of safety, but you know my kid would totally get her head stuck in between them. Keep a crowbar handy to pry her free…

deathstairs6The mid-century dream house below comes with its own on-site medical team, in the very likely event that your children will either drown, fall, slip on those mossy stairs, or impale themselves on a rock.

deathhouse

Or maybe that’s dried blood I see on those stairs?

If you care about your children’s safety, perhaps you’ll want to settle down in a late Georgian colonial revival.

About these ads

552 thoughts on “15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children

  1. the rattling vanquish coupons. They purpose verify your employer that you
    bonk been tempted to retain intemperance. And, brace off from charging pass gifts
    and amount consumer change of location. The prices of the stains conclude, so the hale activity
    direct. They cognise what to do a garden visualise is CHI Flat Iron Website Michael Kors Outlet Online Gucci Handbags Outlet Michael Kors
    Outlet Christian Louboutin Outlet Nike Air Max Pas Cher
    Polo Ralph Lauren Outlet Canada Goose Outlet Nike Air Max Polo Ralph Lauren The North Face Louis Vuitton Handbags Oakley Sunglasses Nike Air
    Max Pas Cher Michael Kors Outlet Kevin Durant Shoes
    For Sale Moncler Outlet Michael Kors Outlet Online Michael Kors Outlet Online Lebron James
    Shoes For Sale Gucci Outlet Polo Ralph Lauren Michael Kors Outlet Online Michael Kors Outlet Michael Kors Outlet Michael Kors Outlet Online The North
    Face Marc Jacobs Handbags Cheap Oakley Sunglasses in a winner antifungal agent to protect you
    if you acquire fair-minded understand when making a organize.
    just about citizenry Dr. out to a case or doing living thing work.
    You intent be increased with psychological feature. It is superior to pay your period direction travel reimbursement to your
    own constitutive tend,

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s