15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children

The clean lines, the geometric decorative elements, the seamless blending of indoor and outdoor space… I sure do love mid-century modern architecture.

Do you know what I love more? My children. And that is why I will never live in my MCM dream home. Because mid-century modern architecture is designed to KILL YOUR CHILDREN. (Also, moderately clumsy or drunk adults).


We can be reasonably certain that none of these children reached adulthood.

As a public service, Projectophile is alerting its readers to the dangers posed by key elements of mid-century modern residential design.


I love open, flowing space as much as the next modern girl. But I know it would only be a matter of minutes before my kid flings himself off one of these deadly ledges…


Red arrows show the direction of travel of children’s bodies


What four-year-old can resist that hidden nook?

ledge4-read arrow

That’s going to require at least ten stitches.


Where are all the children? Probably under that ledge, unconscious.

Someone needs to call protective services on this place, because this stylish modern mother is too absorbed in her reading to notice that all her children have fallen into the living room garden:



First of all, make sure your kid wears her helmet when she inevitably climbs up, and then falls of of, this rock formation in your dream living room.


Be sure to check those crevices for rabid bats.

 As soon as you turn around to fetch the marshmallows, Junior is going to stumble right into that open fireplace (and stumble out with some third-degree burns).  And watch out for that mysterious little nook on the right!

fireplacew-arrow2The use of indoor reflecting pools creates a calm and deadly space in your modern dream home:

blackandwhitepoolofdeathChildren in mid-century modern homes are advised to wear flotation devices at all times. This glamorous couple has no idea what danger lurks in that strangely-placed reflective pool.

indoor reflecting pool white circle1

“Darling, why is it suddenly so quiet in there?”

And for goodness sake, don’t send your kids trick-or-treating near this Mid-Century Modern fortress:



Nothing is more un-modern than an unsightly railing on your stairs. To add extra danger to your mid-century staircase, twist the stairs into a dramatic 180-degree turn, or simply make the angle of the stairs extra steep.


deathstairs3(Hey, aren’t these just a bunch of IKEA Lack shelves nailed to a wall?)


These extra-dangerous stairs lead right to the ceiling, guaranteeing a concussion for your curious child.

These soaring, multi-story bannisters add a touch of safety, but you know my kid would totally get her head stuck in between them. Keep a crowbar handy to pry her free…

deathstairs6The mid-century dream house below comes with its own on-site medical team, in the very likely event that your children will either drown, fall, slip on those mossy stairs, or impale themselves on a rock.


Or maybe that’s dried blood I see on those stairs?

If you care about your children’s safety, perhaps you’ll want to settle down in a late Georgian colonial revival.

598 thoughts on “15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children

  1. On the other hand, if the kids survive growing up in one of your dream homes, they’ll probably be Olympic gold medal winners – millionaires by the time they’re 21. Isn’t that an opportunity worth giving them?


  2. Pingback: 15 Mid-Century Modern Dream Homes that will Kill Your Children | smartnsultry

  3. I actually had to spend a day and a half in one of those homes with my two sons: a 1-year-old and a 2-year-old. Ever watched a basketball guard? That was me for hours on end! One of the boys almost drowned in the reflective pool, I went hoarse from yelling “NO NO!”, and it was a week before the crick in my back healed up. Never again!! But thanks for the memories! :)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh my… such a wonderful laugh for today! Your article supports my love for traditional homes – even after the ids are grown and gone! No indoor garden for us, I hate bugs/insects, and for sure we won’t have a pool near! Thanks again for the laugh!

    Liked by 2 people

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  6. I sure hope this is sarcasm…I love MCM, my kids and grandkids. Times have changed, we grew up playing outside all day unattended climbing ‘outdoor’ rocks and trees and no one wound up dead. Oh, we rode bikes without helmets too! lol

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This story is just why parents are so protective and our kids are so lazy to think. We over protect our kids and our buildings industry is over regulated. if you like the charactoristics of a mid century home a good architect will be able to apply the key elements is a modern fortress for your cotton wool children

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I laughed all the way through this. I’ve been through the falling stage, the jumping stage, the tricking-people-into-backing-into/over/onto stage, and the out and out pushing stage of my kids lives. Now I’m in the better-watch-your-step stage of my own. Beautiful but deadly is right. Thanks for the laugh.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. These houses may have been dangerous for mid-century children, but they pose no threat to modern and post-modern ones. Kids today leave neither their couches nor their phones, so they are in no danger whatsoever. Pick on the architecture of your own time.

    Liked by 1 person

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